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The Patriarchy Within

with Elijah Selby

This is an unedited transcript:

 

It is not my responsibility to be beautiful. I’m not alive for that purpose. My existence is not about how desirable you find me.

 

 

That’s a quote from warsan. Shire.

 

 

Today I have with me, Elijah Selby. I am thrilled. It’s always super juicy to connect with Elijah, she does some really powerful and radical work in the world.

 

 

And, really, ultimately, it’s about dismantling the internal patriarchy.

 

 

So good. So good. And, and Elijah and I’ve known each other for many years now and have a lot of as you can imagine,

 

 

common interests and passions. So. So welcome, Elijah. So happy to be here. Blue. Thank you so, so much. I’m ridiculously excited to have a conversation with you today.

 

 

Beautiful.

 

 

Yeah. So I think that, like, the biggest question first is like, oh, how, how did it come to be? That this is your work?

 

 

Yeah, that is a big question. dive right in, let me just see if I can, like, bullet point it though. Cuz, um, you know, the, you know, there’s, there’s other stuff to talk about. But yeah.

 

 

I mean, honestly, if I, this is kind of, I said, I was going to bullet point. But let me just tell you it started in childhood, because I grew up in a family that was very political, that political conversations happened at the dinner table on a regular basis, that anybody was allowed whatever opinion they had, however, you needed to be able to back it up. And so I grew up very comfortable with that.

 

 

And very, it was very normalized. And I and, you know, side note, I had a very liberal family.

 

 

And I myself, and I don’t know what we want to call it, let’s not put a label on it. Okay. So as I was doing my work as a coach in the world, and I started off as a health coach,

 

 

I knew all of me wasn’t in my work. And there came a point where that was no longer okay. And I decided, I either have to show up fully as myself and do this work in the world, or I can’t, I need to stop. Because the whole point of stepping into coaching and being an entrepreneur and and showing up in the world, in that vulnerable way, which is like when it’s your business, it’s more vulnerable than if you’re representing somebody else’s business, right? Was that it was fully and truly me. And

 

 

when I took a look at, like, what was missing, I was like, you know, my politics are missing. My politics is missing. Either one. Yeah. So

 

 

then I started on the journey of really trying to find my voice around that. And that’s something I want to say if there’s, if there’s other coaches out there, or solopreneurs. I just side note, it’s okay. If it takes you time to find your voice for things it usually does. And the only way to do that is to basically start talking. And so I made this decision in 2017. And, you know, I still feel like I’m evolving with what my message is and who I am and what my voice is. It’s the core is the same. But yeah, so that’s how I got here.

 

 

There’s one side note, sorry, when I was health coaching, I had I was very successful, I had this great program, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But what I really saw, this was the this was the really turning point is I felt like the work I was doing, was contributing to disordered eating with women. And

 

 

like so many women coming to me for weight loss that really didn’t need to be who needs to lose weight? Like, I mean, it’s such a vague question, like, I mean, we live in a culture that

 

 

says, you know, it’s not that normalized as being thin as healthy and it’s so complicated and layered, and I was like, Yeah, I don’t want any part of this. Um, so that was actually the big turning point in terms of like, what I was showing up for. Yeah, yeah. Beautiful. Well, let’s back up a little bit. What What is, what is patriarchy?

 

 

Well, patriarchy in this context, is the power structure in which we live in.

 

 

Full stop. That’s how that’s the word used to describe to describe the hierarchical power structure in which we live. And I’m speaking from a place of Western European culture being an American because that’s the culture we live in however, patriarchy and patriarchal

 

 

power structures

 

 

do exist in other parts of the world

 

 

that are not part of the Western world. So but

 

 

you know, sons, I grew up in this particular culture, that’s what I’m speaking to.

 

 

Does that, does that help define it? Yeah, yeah. Okay. And yeah. And we’re, we’re in the United States, you’re in California and in California, but just to give some location context for that. Yep. Thank you. Yep. Absolutely. Yeah. So it’s this hierarchal power structure. And when you say dismantling that internally, what are some of the elements that are getting dismantled?

 

 

Well,

 

 

gosh, so much. Okay. So one of the inherent, maybe the inherent

 

 

thing about patriarchy is that it by nature is a binary system. Okay, which it sets everything up as an us and them.

 

 

And the US at its at its highest is white men.

 

 

Okay? But like, what sort of interesting, what?

 

 

It’s not all white men, although white men don’t really get that. And that leads to them feeling resentful that they’re not getting what they said they were gonna get, and then they hate women. And it’s like, this whole thing was a complete generalization. By the way, I understand that there’s a lot of nuance there. But it’s, it’s kind of interesting in that sense, because really, when we say white men, it’s actually at the top, it’s just a few.

 

 

Okay, so I want to set that up as a binary structure. So one of the things that we want to undo is this sense of the world being binary, good, bad, us. them.

 

 

cisgender

 

 

cisgender, right. Straight, not straight, whatever it is, it’s a very us them situation. And I think in some ways, that’s a really

 

 

one of the most challenging things to dismantle, because we’re so used to thinking that way, even if we’re super progressive, and understand these things that can slip out, it can still show up, it can still be there. So then, when I talk specifically about women, which is the work I do, the way I like to phrase it is there’s all these lies, we’ve been told by the patriarchy, and we believe them, because we’ve really never had reason to question them, it’s really

 

 

hard to question.

 

 

norms that you are raised in it, it takes stepping outside of the culture or, and so.

 

 

But what happens is, once you start questioning them, it’s really exciting, because then you can start seeing all the holes in the story, you really start seeing them more. And so so one of the lies, you know, for example, the big and obvious one is that our looks are our value.

 

 

And there’s so many layers to that, around how women’s bodies are objectified about how people find it perfectly normal to, you know, judge and pick women apart for what they’re wearing, what their post baby body looks like, what’s their hair, what are they wearing makeup, I can’t even you know, goes on and on. I mean, people’s in feels such an entitlement to judge women on our looks. And we do it too. Okay? So, because we are brought up in the culture, it’s like, we it’s very learned behavior.

 

 

And it feels Okay, until you start, you might not feel okay, you might have some part of you that’s like, Oh, this is yucky. But like, until you really go, Wow, that’s a bullshit lie. Right? Our value has nothing to do with what we look like. Hence the quote, you read at the very beginning of our, our call,

 

 

then you can start again, poking holes in the story.

 

 

But there’s still so much work for us to do because we’ve internalized that. You know, and I’ll just say, at the beginning of this call, you know, glue and I can see each other we’re on zoom, even though this is audio, and I kept saying, Oh, I look really weird today. It does look crappy and puffy. Um, isn’t it? It’s like, yeah, I mean, it’s okay for us to want to feel good about how we look. It’s not like that is okay, but who, who are we looking good for? Right? Like, are we externalizing that feeling like if I don’t look good, people are gonna judge me. I’m not good enough. I somehow don’t deserve to be here, blah, blah, blah. I mean, like, there’s a lot of desirability there. Versus like, yeah, I, I’m a badass. I like to kind of feel like I look good. And it’s different. It’s like when we own it just for ourselves.

 

 

And I think that that makes the work complicated. Like, is it okay to want to look good? Oh, it’s complicated, right? Yes, of course. It’s okay to want to look good, but like, what are what’s the messaging you’re giving yourself? What are you

 

 

You attach to energetically around looking good. And that’s our work. And I think it’s a lifetime. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, totally.

 

 

So one of the things I really love about your work, Elijah is that it, it has us pause and examine things that was that if we’re not examining those things, then they can really land heavily, they can stop us, they can have us feeling unworthy.

 

 

You know, I know scarcity is a part of that. So this this, like, not enough, there’s this constant sense of not enough. I’m not enough. There’s not enough. Yeah. We’ve talked about many times. And

 

 

yeah, and although it’s complicated, like you said, it’s complex, complex, right. So a lot of your work is about inquiry. It’s not about how tos and, you know, like you said, with your health coaching work, maybe people are seeking a little more of that, like, how do I do this? And, you know, it can? It has, there’s a dark side to that, right, like, not trusting of ourselves. So I feel like your your work brings up a lot of really great inquiry. Thank you. And

 

 

the the easier thing to do, right, the default thing to do is to just go along with what we’ve been taught, right? It’s, it takes effort to question that. Yeah. So what, what have you found personally, it makes it worth that effort. For you. Oh, God, what a great question. Oh, gosh, the more I unhook myself, from the, you know, the paradigms of the patriarchy, the more the more true to myself, I, I am. So why is that important? Okay, this is actually an inquiry I had like for myself, because we talked about it, what is, you know, getting stuck into your power being empowered woman with this is something that is a language that we see all over the place, and I get it, and I’ve used it, and I think they’re great things to say, and I want us to be empowered and in our power. But I had this question for myself, like, well, what the EFF does that even mean? Because we’re throwing that around a lot. Like, what does that even mean? Does it mean, you know, I can benchpress 200 pounds? Does it mean? Like, I don’t know, right? Like, does it mean, I’m CEO? Or does it mean something totally different? And where I am with that inquiry right now, is, it means

 

 

we know the truth of who we are.

 

 

And that we live in that truth unapologetically.

 

 

That’s where I am with what it means to be empowered. And I think

 

 

that finding out the truth of who we are, how can I find out the truth of who I am, if I’m chasing my tail trying to look a certain way. So this, so I, so that I think I’m valuable? Right? If I’m hiding my anger, this is one of the paradigms like one of the things I call apparently, there’s all these paradigms I have of the patriarchy. So like, I’m not allowed to be angry, because then I’m a bitch. So if I’m hiding my anger, I’m not being true to who I am. I’m like, oh, gosh, if I am buying into, you know, women do buy into this. And again, I have no blame. Again, it’s how we were raised. It’s the messaging we got, if I buy into the myths, myth that because I have a menstrual cycle and a hormonal cycle, I’m too emotional to be a leader,

 

 

then I’m going to be stopping myself. Right?

 

 

I just thought I saw this great thing. You know, when there was the election, I don’t I’m sorry, I’m not remember who did it. But the sky was like, at a Trump rally interviewing people. And he interviewed a woman about like, why don’t you like Hillary? This is what during that campaign, and but I only recently saw the video. And she said, Oh, she you know, she’s, she has PMS and everything is just you can’t trust a woman in office with the foot, you know, fingers on the button, or whatever.

 

 

I know.

 

 

And the interviewer said,

 

 

well, as far as I know, every war in history has been started by men. And she was like, Oh, right. But it doesn’t like the point. The incredible gives me the chills is like, how we buy into the messaging we get and we don’t question it. All of us do it. And I can judge that woman. But like, really, I’ve done it to all of us have. It is the water we swim in. And until we start this inquiry, we can’t see our way out of it.

 

 

So I lost my track of thought What was I gonna do? Yeah, this is so great. Okay, I’ll get back to that question. But I feel like I really what you brought up here is like that it isn’t. You know, I think that’s something I really value about your work too, is that it’s, you’re really examining the internal right, it’s not about the white man is oppressing me, which could also be true. Yeah.

 

 

There’s work there too, but, but really examining, okay, in what way have I soaked in the messaging that anything that isn’t white and male is an aberration and something to be ashamed of.

 

 

And and it even is damaging to white men, by the way, like this whole, you know, because what does that mean? What is the standard of that is unreasonable as well? Right? reasonable, like, yeah, that’s actually something I want to say. And it’s interesting because I had a post on Instagram, like a month ago.

 

 

Oh, gosh, sorry that I can’t remember exactly what the post was, but it was about the patriarchy, and somebody who’s, uh, in my family, but like a third cousin, man,

 

 

you know, posted something that at you we hear a lot like, you know,

 

 

it was it was something to the effect of

 

 

I hate you know, why, why, why hate men.

 

 

It was something to that effect. And I and I responded, I’m so glad you said this, because this is not what’s going on here. I love men. Right? And it’s such a common thing around feminism. And I’m really tired of that refrain like that. I hate men or whatever. I mean, I’m sure there are people that hate men, that’s whatever. But like,

 

 

there’s also people that hate women, whatever, you know, right. There’s, there’s haters in the world. So, um, yeah, so patriarchy hurts men and I and and that’s what I also said in my response is like, the man up, man up Be a man. And what that defines as manhood, seriously constricts men from owning their full humanity. Yeah, you know, really, in a way that hurts them that hurts people around them. And I mean, I can, for me, it’s really obvious it hurts the planet, like what we’re doing to the planet.

 

 

Because there’s,

 

 

they’re not able to experience our full humanity is the best way I can say it. And it’s pretty heartbreaking. And

 

 

how to know how does that harm the planet? You think? Hmm.

 

 

Well, if you’re not so like, there’s a lot of emotional cutoff for men in the patriarchy, right? Like cuz. So

 

 

in the archetypal, feminine and masculine energies, and I say archetypal, because it doesn’t mean gender. And that’s also a really important point. Think of the yin and the yang symbol, we all have masculine and feminine within us of like, what we what we have attributed as masculine and feminine traits. Okay, so this is something that humanity has done. And so I will give you an example.

 

 

Crying and being emotional is a feminine trait.

 

 

Okay.

 

 

sucking it up,

 

 

is a masculine trait. Let me just give that example. But also, community and nurturing is considered a feminine trait. Again, I really want to be clear, not gender, not gender, because there are people of both genders, nurturing community and making connections.

 

 

But like, the masculine kind of opposite of that is

 

 

I don’t want to say opposite. But what stands against that is this idea of like, I’m in, I’m in it for me.

 

 

I have to win. Because if I don’t win, I lose. There’s this like, finiteness This lack

 

 

and a little bit of everybody else. I’m speaking in in archetypes, right. I mean, humanity is complicated and layered and messy. It’s really important. So but it’s really it’s really helpful to start seeing these things because the other piece is and if you start looking at the way things are describing in news articles are in conversation, so the feminine traits are disparaged, disdained like Don’t cry. What are you a pussy? Right like okay

 

 

in

 

 

female anatomy to degrade others Oh the part of our body that frickin brought you into the world. We are miracles right? So if this is me off but

 

 

I yeah, so um, it so this is all you’re asked how does it How Does this hurt the planet? So in this larger context,

 

 

aggregates aggregate context

 

 

how men I’m going to really oversimplify this Okay, for the sake of making a point, how men treat women which is their their for men’s enjoyment, that women need to be a certain way act a certain way in order to be considered valuable all this stuff. And there’s a there’s a sense of ownership and entitlement there. That is how I see we treating we are treating the earth and

 

 

I could really be extreme, but like, let’s like if I take rape

 

 

and rape of women and like the fact that we are raping the earth, that that’s I see those connections.

 

 

Sorry to be a big huge downer, but it is pretty depressing.

 

 

And

 

 

it’s a huge It’s why I do this work because and you said, Oh, the work I do is so internal, but like not but and yes, you’re right, because I think it’s our work to do because what happens is alchemy when we do this work,

 

 

and we show up differently. And as our true selves, unapologetically. So empowered. The people around us change, the systems around us change. So we can often think like, Oh, my God, the world is so messed up, and I can’t even make a difference. It’s like, nope, we can totally make a difference. Whoops, I’m sorry, I didn’t know my phone on silent, we can totally make a difference. And how we do that is by doing our own work. And if ever you feel like that’s not enough, what I want you to know is we are living in a time when there are people all over the world doing this work, and the seeds of change are totally being planted. And never forget that and we are creating right now, every day, a new way of being. And we just haven’t hit the tipping point yet. But we’re gonna get there. I firmly firmly believe that I think this is not getting reported on the news. This is not newsworthy stuff. You have to just trust that this is happening. And it is I know people doing amazing work all over the world to create change. In the way we see things and the way we see women and the way we see humanity and the way we see

 

 

marginalized, marginalized community and the way we think of justice and the way we use language, right, all of this Mm hmm. Whoo. So much. I just got the chills. Yes. Yeah. freakin cool. Yeah. So big picture. Big Picture. Work is his whole is about the whole planet, is what I’m hearing you say? Yes. And then to circle back to an earlier question. Yeah. How does this work? benefiting you? Elijah, personally?

 

 

Yeah. Oh, such a good question. Well,

 

 

let’s see, there are several ways the most obvious way and I always feel like, in some ways, this is such the doorway that women can walk through into into this work is body. So you and I have talked about this, you know, I, I hated my body my whole life that is lost steam, you know? So I’ve been that person chasing the dream chasing the ideal that I was never going to be I mean, for God’s sake, they airbrush models, models who are already genetic anomalies, right, like,

 

 

in their view, and I’d like they’re beautiful. Yes, of course. And I love looking at like how amazing the human form can be. But they’re airbrushing them. Like, come on, I don’t stand a chance. I’m five foot five and very curvy. Right? There. But anyway, so like, I’m like, it’s again, like I exercise and take care of myself and all of that. And I like to feel good in my body. But it’s on my terms. And I also I just also want to say it’s not that I don’t, I’m not triggered by current beauty standards. Of course I am. That’s why it’s ongoing work. But to a much greater extent than I’ve ever been in my life. It’s like, I just like, come on. I love my body. It’s awesome. It’s the home in which I live, it treats me really well. I plan on being here for a long time in it. And I don’t got time for that.

 

 

So I think that that’s freed up a tremendous amount of energy. That’s awesome. Yes. Um, then.

 

 

Yeah, I think it’s really benefited my relationship with my husband.

 

 

And as my husband and I both do

 

 

diversity, equality and inclusion work,

 

 

which we are both committed to and is most definitely a lifelong process. As to people of, you know, white people of privilege

 

 

have all sorts of privilege, frankly,

 

 

as we have that discussion, it shines a light on our relationship, and shows us where we were participating in our marriage on all these sort of

 

 

kind of stereotypical understandings of things and how I was resenting it but didn’t even know I was present. Like I you know,

 

 

just recently, I said, You know what, I’m totally sick of making dinner all the time. Like, I just was the person that made dinner and, and it was like, not be like, ostensibly, it was because

 

 

I work from home and home, often my husband’s work late hours, it just makes sense, right? And so in that way, it does, but

 

 

Scott has now started making dinners Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And it’s so freakin awesome. And it makes me so happy. And here’s the other thing though, which is so interesting is like every Friday, Saturday, Sunday when he’s making dinner and I tend to get on the treadmill at that point, just kind of do my thing. I feel guilty a little bit and then I have to like, Girl, you put that Gilda Wait, what is so fascinating, right? Like, again, how we said it in the beginning of this is like, I’m part of this culture. I it’s like, hard to dismantle this stuff. Yeah, yeah. So you know, just gotta like, the awareness is so key. So key. So key. Yeah. Anyway, those are a couple ways in which it’s changed my life. And I mean, owning my truth being unapologetic. I mean, just feel so good. I’m, like, so much happier, like speaking my truth and just being me than like, trying to figure out what everybody else wants from me and showing up that way. Like that is just exhausting. And that is what I used to do. Yeah, unconsciously. But that’s like, again. I was trained to do that. Mm hmm.

 

 

Yeah, yeah. freeing up energy. better relationships. Yep. Yeah, I’m just loving myself. Like the mean, self talk is just not there anymore. I can’t even believe that. You know, like,

 

 

wow, I mean, you know, blue you work with them? And how mean can we be to ourselves? Yeah. Oh, exhibition mean, it’s so sad. It’s so awful. And I don’t know if you found this, but

 

 

almost every one of my clients thinks they’re the only one being that mean, to themselves. So that’s another thing I like, like, feel like your work just peels back the curtain like, yeah, oh, there’s a reason that’s happening. And that that’s happening for all of us.

 

 

For all of us. Yes. Girl. We are not alone. Yeah, Mm hmm.

 

 

Oh, that’s another thing. You know, one of the paradigms of the patriarchy is that women are your competition.

 

 

That’s a big one.

 

 

And there’s a reason why that lie has been fed to us. You know, why? I know you know why? Because when we are in circle together, when we are in support of each other, we are exponentially more empowered. Yeah. I mean, it’s like we thrive in community as women. Mm hmm. And so, yeah, I all of you out there. Let’s like everybody’s, you know, I know it sounds Oh, gosh, people like, Mike, that you’re all a sister.

 

 

Okay, if you don’t like that, use a different word. Or don’t use that word. Or don’t use a word just like Don’t you know, I really invite you to check yourself if you see him and his competition, just check it because, yeah, that’s like, actually the patriarchy getting to us and setting up the SMM. And like, Yeah, really keeping us disconnected in a way that is harmful? Yeah.

 

 

Yeah, I actually really love and welcome when that happens. Now, when I when I’m triggered, right, like when I’m like, Yeah. Wait, she has a similar idea that I do, or, Oh, I like I just encountered I think I shared this with you. But I just encountered another coach who has almost the same

 

 

business model and naming and everything, you know, like, parallel lives happening, right? And, and I’m looking at her website, and it’s all piling up as like, Oh, I’m feeling like, Oh, she’s got it covered. Maybe I should not do this work, right was like my immediate thought was like, oh,

 

 

like, not only are we in competition, but she wins automatically. Right, exactly. Not only are we in competition, but clearly she’s better. And I say, right, Yep. Yep. And, and it was really beautiful. Because I, a couple of things I did is one just, I noticed I was having that thought, reached out to my community reached out to you. And one another woman, you know, just like, I’m going to out myself. Not gonna bottle this up and take this on internally is my problem. Good. And then, and then looking at that and going. Yeah, what? Okay, what is the work for me here? Like, Oh, thank you.

 

 

Yeah, so I’m curious. Like, what what did you think the work was for you there? Like when you asked that question, did you come up with an answer? Oh, yeah, it was very much like, I want to uplevel the professionality of my presence online. And she’s doing that. And and it’s working. And how great is that? She’s lighting the way for me? Yes, yes. Yes. Oh, my God chills again. So one of the reframes and you and I have talked about this, this is not like, this is not this is like, I’m not the only person saying this. You’re not like there’s so many amazing people saying this, but like, think goodness, reframe our jealousy, because jealousy is gonna come up. So first of all, let’s not make ourselves wrong for that.

 

 

And to step back and get curious, I wonder what

 

 

What’s being triggered for me here? It’s always about something we desire for ourselves. And so like, I love how you said that, right? Like, I want the same level of professionality online as she has cool. That’s what was being triggered. And then I love that. And thank you for showing the way exactly can we be in gratitude for that gift that, that they’re showing us something we want. And then the other piece

 

 

because you know that, that the work I’m doing, and I hope it’s okay, that you and I are gonna do together is around

 

 

helping women understand how to do business from the feminine. And

 

 

that is, I just actually think it’s key to us thriving and to changing the world. Yeah, so it’s like the other piece to understanding our truth is then to like, take action in this way. And it can be in the business of running a home. It can be in the business of being a coach, it can be as a CEO, or a manager in a corporate anything, but to understand what our strengths are in the feminine.

 

 

And lead with those it’s very disruptive, by the way, because it’s a totally different way of doing business in the world, and

 

 

and it feeds us rather than depletes us because when we try and show up in the masculine way, we are exhausted, depleted. We feel like imposters we

 

 

have adrenal fatigue like that’s like a thing for women adrenal fatigue. Why? Because we’re and you and I know this, right, we’re showing up at the top on the 24 hour hormonal cycle versus our 28 day or 29 day hormonal cycle, which is like a big thing. So men have a 24 hour hormonal cycle. I know, this is your baby. I know I’m speaking in your field here, but

 

 

I just like they should get they should wake up in the day, they’re ready to go. They go, go, go, go, go go go end of the day, they’re tired, they sleep but they wake up and they’re ready to do it all again, and are hormonal cycles, totally different. But the whole world operates on that masculine, and it’s never questioned. But hey, let’s question it. There’s probably a better way for us to do things. In fact, yes, there’s a better way for us to do things. Yeah. Yes. And I just heard this recently, again, like you were was it? Um, you know, we get so much input and information.

 

 

Like, oh, where was that, but it was really about how this kind of work and diverse diversity inclusion, equity work of any kind is, it really benefits everyone, right? The classic example is like when you make a building accessible.

 

 

You benefit everyone like so you install an elevator? Because people in wheelchairs asked for that. Right? Yep. Who else benefits? Like people carrying heavy things? People with strollers? Yeah. Well on crutches, like,

 

 

all of us, all of us.

 

 

So good. Yeah, it’s so good. I love that example. It’s a great example blue. It’s like so easy to to just see the benefit there reexamining the way we do business Absolutely.

 

 

benefits everyone. And and I and I want to say that like, quote, unquote, leading from the feminine isn’t this like fluffy way of you know, I don’t know. It’s not It’s like when we start thinking, Oh, it’s fluffy. And it means we’re not working or whatever. I actually think that that is the patriarchy disparaging the feminine First of all, so check yourself, right. And it and we need both the masculine and feminine this world. So I am not suggesting that we only have the feminine or that we like over topple the patriarchy and have a matriarchy, because no, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying we’re developing a new way. We’re both both are, are there because we need both the balance and I love, love, love and use all the time. Your beautiful analogy of it’s like we’ve been flying with one wing and you cannot do that, you know?

 

 

Gonna go anywhere you’re gonna crash and burn just sort of happening. So um, yeah. So

 

 

I think we’ve talked about this to the placement of like, how do those wings work together? It’s really important to highlight two. So it’s like, so far the masculine wing. And again, this is archetypical right? Yep. The masculine wing is trying to do it all it’s trying to

 

 

keep us in the air direct does like all the things and it’s totally efficient and effective, painful. Right. And so it is gonna take some work to kind of wake up the other wing and strengthen that right? Yeah, but really leading like there. There’s real I mean, we

 

 

There’s many examples of this right? Where leading from our feminine is, is really powerful, right? Because the masculine I mean, archetypically, right? The masculine is the

 

 

logistics the go after it, the push the you know, and of course, women we have this we push all the time, we have this readily available, right? We get to lead from that just leads to burnout, right? Because it’s all it’s all about getting it done going for it. And not asking for help not receiving,

 

 

not pausing to really tune in and back to, you know, what your truth is? Where do you find that you find that in the space between in the, in the open receiving state? Right, so that’s the Yep, that’s where leadership really needs to be. And then implementation. Absolutely. Mm hmm. We need the masculine support on implementation. I guess.

 

 

I love this conversation. Because, um, I think it I you know, I agree with you, and I love how exactly how you say it. And I just love the way you phrase things blue. And and then I’ll just because I’m very visual, and I know you are too, but for anybody listening to this, here’s how I see it. And this is what I believe works. And what I am striving for, for the world, which is the feminine leads, because the feminine is creator.

 

 

The feminine creates it is creative energy, we create life, like but like, again, men have the feminine in them, too. They are creators as well, right? So that creative energy, the creative energy leads.

 

 

And then the masculine is what supports that. So I have this vision, I want to get an artist to do this for me where it’s like, the feminine, it’s sort of like the heart. But I don’t know, I don’t have it all worked out. But like the heart is the feminine energy. And then I picture like two hands kind of coming up and holding the heart. And that’s the masculine like supporting the feminine. Because, interestingly, that’s where balance occurs.

 

 

And it’s so cool. And like I said, Really disruptive to how we’re doing things now. But I actually really think that like as people, men and women understand, for example, that we thrive when we make connections and community and people people feel seen and heard and valued and like all these other things that are known as feminine qualities archetypal, again, not gender, as we start,

 

 

stop degrading and disparaging those traits and uplifting them as strengths, which they definitely, overall are not seen as strengths. they’re seen as witnesses right now.

 

 

That like it’s just like, slowly, slowly, the word chain world changes and, and then there’s also this really cool thing that just happens in culture and society, which is there’s a tipping point. Yeah, that’s why we all need to do our work. Because then when the tipping point comes, it’s just really, it’s it’s like, well, Things are different now. Wow. It’s cool.

 

 

Huh, magical? Yes, it is. I mean, it doesn’t mean like all problems are solved. And it’s so perfect. And it’s utopia. I don’t mean that. But it will again, change though again, isn’t it interesting throughout this whole conversation, right, we’ve had to clarify the meaning of words because the patriarchy has so put down language like magic, like feminine. That’s exactly right now.

 

 

chills? Yeah, yes. I mean, language is such an such a big part. And it’s really interesting when you look at the history of how we got here.

 

 

Because it wasn’t always like this. We don’t really tend to think of that because the history we’re taught is very much like Western in our culture, it’s very much Western European. White central sent, sent terrific. I don’t know what the word is.

 

 

Yeah, weight centered centric. Yeah.

 

 

History and Culture. So it just like it’s not that this is not the way it has to be. It’s not the way it always has been. Even in white culture. And

 

 

but language has been a really big part of, of the propaganda against women and like, you know, which Mm hmm. Had Crone.

 

 

Three words that used to be honorifics, right? Like

 

 

words of respect and honor and value have so successfully been turned into negatives like incredible negatives, hag.

 

 

Right? I mean, it’s just who wants to be a hag, but it’s like,

 

 

it did not originate as a negative word.

 

 

So there’s lots of language stuff. So much language stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Wow. So

 

 

What a gift. You have this time with you, Elijah. It’s so amazing. Yeah, he’s talking for I know. He

 

 

wants to just again.

 

 

And I’m wondering, what could you tell it? Could you share with us? What are you reading or who you listening to? Right now? Can I pull up my? Yeah.

 

 

I’m quizzing you, right. Oh my god. I was okay By the way, because I’m

 

 

because I’m older and I’m going through hormonal changes. I’m not in menopause, but I’m in perimenopause. So my joke with my family is like you’re not allowed to judge my the way I forget everything until you to have lost all your estrogen. So I’m

 

 

just a little okay. So I have a couple of things going

 

 

  1. So there’s this book called your goddess by Sophie Bashford. I don’t know if I’m saying her name, right. I love feminine genius by Liana silver. I just got the audiobook so I’m going to do that.

 

 

And then I have these are my audiobooks and then I like to switch everything up. Which is not so good. I actually been thinking like, Okay, I need to be a little more folk I would like not need is my desire to complete more things.

 

 

But between the World and Me, is the other one. And then those are my audios. And then on my Kindle, I just so if I just press my Kindle and my son’s

 

 

book at my son’s came up, he must have downloaded that I’m

 

 

mediocre. I just downloaded mediocre. Do you know what I’m talking about? It’s so hold on. Because I

 

 

cover by I have a I apologize because I and I literally listen to YouTube videos on how to pronounce her name and I can’t remember so.

 

 

I JEOM a

 

 

o l you Oh, okay.

 

 

So she wrote, you want to tell you want to talk about race? I’m really sorry that I am. I just I don’t want to say her name wrong. And I’m actually really, and I like I said, I’ve listened to videos on how to do it. I practiced it and no, I don’t remember. Anyway, she just wrote a book called mediocre the dangerous legacy of white male America.

 

 

Highly recommend. Wow. And last but not least, I just want you to know because pleasure.

 

 

lead with pleasure, baby. I just finished watching the Marvel catalogue on the Avengers and x men because I love stuff like that. Star Wars and Star Trek. I’m such a dork. I love all of that stuff. I make sure that is in the mix total. Like I don’t always have to be like, political and radical and I need like I love that stuff. Oh, and I’m just starting to watch the Jurassic Park series. I’d never seen any of them. There. Okay, I like the there. Okay, so far. But anyway, there you go.

 

 

Sorry, what are you reading? That’s interest. And

 

 

what what am I reading? Yeah, what am I reading? Um,

 

 

I just started well, I’m rereading the passion tests.

 

 

Which is really a great way to like when you’re assessing, like, I have some clients right now that are just like, what, what would it What am I doing with my life? Don’t really question you know,

 

 

and this, it’s kind of, it’s a cool tool to just get some more clarity around that. It’s a quick little, I love it. It’s like, it’s a quick little exercise that you could probably just Google without reading the whole book, but it has some interesting stories in the book.

 

 

Thank you. That’s so great. Yeah. Awesome. And then I’m also reading a novel that is like 1000 pages or something about Cleopatra. Whoo. It’s a historical novel. Oh, God, I love her perspective. I love historical novels. Yeah. historical fiction loves Love, love, love. She’s pretty. She was ahead of her time.

 

 

For sure. For sure. Yeah, yeah. exciting and fun. Okay, cool. I love that. Yeah. Okay. Well, any parting words, tips,

 

 

parting words or tips.

 

You know, if you feel the stir of desire for something more and to do any of this kind of work, reach out to me reach out to blue or reach out to somebody in your circle that’s doing this work, because don’t do this work alone. I’m telling you.

 

 

So important to have somebody hold you and when you’re like, fighting against it with all you’ve got.

 

 

So, I mean, yeah, just reach out. Yeah.

 

 

Beautifully said, Thank you, Elijah, Selby, founder of feminine rising and will happier will have ways that people can get more of you

 

 

on the face. Thanks so much. Have you thank you

 

Transcribed by https://otter.ai